HELLO WORLD IT IS I, SKIMPUS! No, it is not kev the almighty, it is the meek amd vunerable childish skimpus. i am 17 now so this means i am in my final days of schoolgirl hood and i will soon be entering what they call adulthood. but i have been enlightened, O my brothers! SKIMPUS IS BACK AND HE IS READY TO SHOW THE WORLD WHOS BOSS! All of the energy that has been stacking inside of my wonderful vessel has sprung a leak and is slwoly leaking onto this keyboard that i am typing on and will soon be contaminating your screens! It is just the power of the wonderful skimp! He is here with you now inside your computer! I am spreading my VD TO YOU! MY VD! And you will enjy this..VD.. its replenishin. LIKE A SACK. I was born from a filth rdden sack. hello. AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH THE FEAR, O my brothers! You will not be scared of my sickness and filth that i bring upon on because i am the creator of all the filth in the world that you try to rid yourself of but ow can on truly dispose of all the filth in the world when we need filth to survive? In a funcionalist society we need filth to be our first stepping stone into a staircase leading to complete power which we all strive for because of CONFLICT THEORY!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE ARE RABID DOGS READY TO BITE AND MAIME ANYONE WHO IS IN OUR WAY!!! THIS IS HOW SOCIETY FUNCTIONS! Us, the dog, symbolizing feral behavior. yes. yes. and yet the dog can be domesticated. yes yes. very symbolic yes. yes yes. heh. HAHA dont worry about it no need to be so sentimental on me yknow hey hey who hey hey who whohwho hey hey whooooare you who who whowho i really wanna kno w whoooo are yew who who whowwho. uh CTRL! what is CTRL? i dont know. fear and symbolzing. what symbolzines your fear? mine is btoh. nf nthohgin. it is nto importna tblet the case ewst easy o my borhters for it is the past and we do not dwell on the psaast nrow e do we dwell on the future because we save otomorrow fot tomoorw and think about today instead and furture can mean many thigs. the moments ebeofre us or the next day or the years ahead. yes, it is imporant where wwe need to know where everything is in the frutre to to tpreaprarete our selves. but if we anticapte moments in whoch we cannto control say for sxample the reposnse of a friends on your opinion you watnt to share the NO NO NO you canno t swell on the future consequences becase you can never preduct how it qwill go you sick beast.
My own existence seems bleak now. There's no way out of the situations I have been put into. There has been something REALLY bothering me but I just don't know if it is true! It's my own mind ya see. I don't think I have the capabilities anymore to express myself with word! Isn't that unfortunate? I think it is. Every idea and thought is just being blocked off by my own limited vocabulary. It's plain expression that I am not being.. UGAGHSM.. SEE?? I can't find the right words to shed light upon my emotions!! I know there are words out there to vocalize my mind but it's just not clicking. Will I ever be able to reach that goal of an infinite possibility of expression? No, I don't think so. I'll say this to either to impress myself or further support my locus of control which I am abusing!! Sad isn't it? I've said that before. There, another sign that I can't think of a unique way to vomit up all of the bile and phlegm of the membranes encapsulating the mind of the host! My own mind is a parasite that kills me and fixates me on chemcials I never even asked to produce but that's what makes me human!!! See??? Everything I'm saying is not the truth! It's all just rambling from a different mind that is not my own. All of this can sound like complete shit to you but I don't even want to elaborate on it because I CAN'T! Oh sweet organ-y parasite, why can't you let me think straight? All of this fog and gunk clogging my mind is sickening.
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With my limited voice comes an uprise or supression. Do I keep these thoughts running in my head or do I finally attempt to decipher every meaningless thought that holds no value to myself or anyone else? See, questions like this makes me what I am: indecisive. I have no doubt in my mind that this is the sole purpose of why I feel so powerless! Not to mention my lack of exposure! The only person who is exposed to these ideas is myself! Do I just have to slowly develop different egos in my head just so I can impress myself and simulate what it's like to get feedback? I shouldn't! But who out there would believe this delusional speech coming from someone who in no right has a firm grasp on what it is to be a neurotypical person who shares like-minded ideologys? I don't apply to any of it! I know for sure there is something off about my thought process. And yet that's what makes me stronger in the mind! I am aware of my divergent mind! Oh, and I am! It's such a liberating feeling to let my words be spread and having such a vulnerable attitude about it just makes me better! Having such confident to spread my word..it makes me better! That's right everyone. I am a superior. All saddening melancholy thoughts are supressed now. That weak voice is no more because I have found myself through freedom! Let the world go on about another day or just let me die!!
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Were all the thoughts above really the truth? I mean, there is always truth to something but is there truth to my thoughts? THE THING THAT IS RUINING MY TRUTHFUL THOUGHTS AND IDEAS IS MY SARCASM! I use sarcasm too much! The tainted seed of irony.. IT KILLS ME AND YET IT AMUSES ME! See what I'm saying now? I'm a masochist inside and out! I adore the pain I feel of working myself into convulsions and giving myself carpet burn in the summer! I have been told repeated behavior of getting the same result is a sign of insanity but I for one do not believe it applies to ME. Maybe other people, but not myself. And again! My superiority complex is raging inside of me again! Adler's theories of INFERIORITY complexes have always gave me such gratification.. it adorns my sensitivie and vulenerable self.. Who is that self? That person is SKIMPUS!! He is me! Skimpus is the one with the inferiority complex, not me! I am the superior! But then who is the commander? How can my ego have his own ego? His overpowering Id who is also a hallucination? We dwell deeper and deeper into my conscious' conscious and that's where I get lost inside a labyrinth of my own thinking structure! That's my issue! I have no stable structures! But.. how? I am organizing! I need stability and I need order and yet I don't! There's the other ego again! Would that be Mr. Cadaver who is limiting me from becoming better? It could be! I continuely go back and forth between order and completely runing everything so I can rebuild again for pleasure! I don't think it's an abuse because I enjoy it! I love restarting over and over again! Especially with my mind! But maybe that is also my issue! I keep restarting! Why can't I just become more open-minded? I am open-minded though! I have been drawn back to my days of ignorance because I've been fixated with the belief that all ignorance is enternal bliss! I WANT BLISS! But I'll never get bliss if I keep going in circles about this. It's pure insanity.. How ironic.
I've come to the conclusion of my psuedo-voice. My faux behavior. Everything I have ever done has been draped over a facade of nothing! It's not a healthy thing, Skimpus! This is my revelation! I am NOTHING! I've also came to the conclusion that I have made new egos, but not in a Dissociative Identity Disorder way but just in a way to amuse myself. They're just characters in my mind that act as external judgements on my personality as a whole! Is it possible to grow such strong ego-characters that you're able to feel a surge of guilt and shame everytime you fail them? I haven't felt this towards any of my egos except Skimpus. He's the strongest ego because he is the closest to me emotionally. When I see him, I just don't see a character, I see myself. But there's just one thing I can't wrap my head around. What is Skimpus? I know I made him but who is he actually like? He is such a strong ego that perhaps he has gained his own emotions without me knowing. Does he just resemble my paranoia, insecurity, sadness, submissiveness, guilt and shame, or does he also resemble other emotions such as desire, love, mania, jealousy, hatred and whimsy? What does he really represent? This question makes me fall to a blank. I don't know who he is. He is his own person and yet I just have a longing to control him as my puppet for emotions. One of those feelings, hatred, must have came naturally to him. I've brought him so much pain and agony from my own life he has developed a vehemence against love and care since that was what had caused him pain in the first place! I do love hm but I taught him wrong. I don't want to let go of this ego yet because I love him. I really do love him.
Im coming to the conclusion that i hate something that has been so inseperable from me for the past 2 years. My past! In the first year I made skimpus I only used him as a persona bu then the next year he became my effigy. I've realizd these past two days (which is laready quick to assume) I've become no longer infuated with skimpus. I understand I started developing him after my manic episode and I guess my mind is finally understanding that it's nothing to adorn over anymore. Yes, that episode changed my poor 15 year old mind forever but i can step away from that and start a new cycle of delusions. Making all of these ramblings have really made me open my mind about a lot f things and i Believe this way my answer all along! overanalyzing myself! all the wrister's block is gone but I'm only happy with writing about myself so maybe I truly am a narcasissitic asshole deep inside! It could be another ego that's being represed because of my enviornment of staying perfect but if i dont encounter that ego more often then I'll become more and more irritable since I'm just a washed up teenager with declining moral values and self hatred!! I think it's kinda beaitiful that I'm now able to see how bad of a person I am while simultaneously being the bad person. Im essentialy talking to my reflection while so change occurs. Maybe slowly, but not noticably.
JEEZ.. It has been a very long time since I have wrote but I have had the advantage of doing the unthinkable.. yes.. I have been elightend with self discovery. Even the simple question such as "who are you?" can make anyone think for themselves for just a little bit. And there it is ladies and gentlemen is the indicator. "THINK FOR THEMSELVES"!! That is important!! You wanna know why?? Because that is a very shallow way of thinking the narcassistic way!! HHHEHEEHEH it is great because you can develop further into these egotistical beliefs and make yourself better than everyone else. You NEED to think of yourself as better than everyone else, y'know? It's that easy. If you manipulate yourself enough into thinking you're a God or whatever than you will become one. Maybe not literally but in your own paracosm in which you reign upon then sure. Go ahead and be the dictator of your mind because you own your own mind IDIOT. It's that simple. Sure, the occasional intruisve thought comes and goes or maybe it's chronic and you can't control it and I get that because I have those issues too!! It's sad.. BUT WHO CARES????? mrow. anyways, the reason why those thoughts always come back is because of a weak ego not being able to comprehend the responsibility of maintaining the Id and Superego. This is getting into psychological territory now and I should stop since I will get ahead of myself and trick my brain into false beliefs because I am currenlty the one dictating my mind into some sort of brain-washing thing. This is all sounding very delusional so I shall stop here. Thank you, everyone. Thank you. Chenquieh. - KEVIN C.